Cornucopia of Love
by optimusprime-rose4eva
Summary: Deathly Hallows Parody: With the wedding approaching and a mysterious new girl in town, things are about to get a little strange around the Burrow. Will Ginny continue to stay sober?
1. Of Body Slams and Jello Shots

**Author's Note: **

**More important Rachel: As any Potterhead knows, the characters all have their problems…Rachel (least important one) and I just decided to enhance those faults thus creating a PARODY! Not only will you get to hear about HP but also about the crazy things fan-fiction writers do in order to create the puuurfect story. Confused, you won't be after this exciting episode of Cornucopia of Love.**

_Dear Diary, 9/7/97_

_Today Bill and Fleur are getting married…today. They should really be thanking _me _for that. It's all because of that Triwizard Tournament. You know that one where I won, like, a _trillion_ galleons. By the way diary, I still think I got totally jipped on that awards ceremony. Honestly, because Diggory just _had_ to go and get himself _killed_. Bloody wanker. Death. Deathdeathdeathdeathdeath. Oh…oh dear…that makes me think of Dumbledore. I…I can't talk about this anymore…_

Harry slowly closed the diary while wiping a tear from his sparkling green orbs.

"Harry, dear, come down to get your robes for the wedding," Mrs. Weasley called up to him.

Harry fumbled around blindly for the lock to his diary, the secret keeper to all of his innermost thoughts. He walked with hair in his eyes, his head down, and his back slumped over but not because he was sad. He had inherited scoliosis from his dear old pa, Harold, his **_dead _**mother's father.

Walking down the stairs, Harry bumped into…someone…Luna almost fell down the stairs, her radish earrings swinging violently, eyes glazed over with a far off, dreamy look. Harry quickly swiped his hair dreamily to the side as Luna said,

"Are you getting your robes for the wedding, Harry?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Be sure to watch for pogrebins…father says that the lack of pomegranate seeds have led them to small country estates."

"Don't worry about me, Luna. My robes were _custom_ made…robes because, you know, since my parents are _dead_, they left me, like, a _trillion_ galleons."

But she didn't even hear him, for when he looked up he saw her royal blue poncho whipping around the corner.

"Can anyone stand to look and speak to me for more than five minutes?!" Harry sobbed to himself. He took a deep breath and re-applied his eyeliner before going downstairs.

Harry sashayed into the kitchen so that everyone would notice his greatness.

"S'up G," Harry said, acknowledging Ginny crouched in a corner. He was feeling quite gangster today…

"Harry dear, take your robes up and change into them quickly or you're going to miss the wedding!" said Mrs. Weasley. She continued to rattle on about all the things she needed to do to prepare for the wedding but Harry wasn't really paying attention. He was _way_ to busy figuring which shade of black nail-polish would best match his robes.

"Eeet eez so woonderfull to be ere' en ze Burrow!" said Fleur looking around at all of the pink and silver blue colored decorations adoringly. "Dees pink terriferically match ze bridesmaid dreeses!"

"Says you," said Ginny under her breath while she sulked in the corner. She grabbed another Jell-o shot from the counter and downed it in one gulp. Fleur had realized too late that Ginny's red hair clashed horribly with the pink but Fleur really didn't think it'd matter,

"I am good looking enoof for the both of us I would theenk," was all she had to say on the matter.

"…Your earrings look completely ridiculous with that poncho," were the words out of Ron's mouth as they carried in to the next room.

Hermione quickly stuffed away Ron's Quidditch robes at the sound of his voice, her eyes darting around to make sure no one had seen her. She quietly crept around the corner to the room where Ron and Luna, supposedly, were conversing.

"…and Ginny's hair matched with that dress is just utterly revolting. This isn't a Molly Ringwald film, you know. I'm totally super cereal, Luna (**A/N**: yes, we hate these just as much as you do, but we feel this is necessary: super cereal is just a funny, odd, quirky, and any other synonym that you can come up with, way of saying that he is super serious. Thank you)," Ron was saying just as Harry had walked out of the bathroom. A scream was then heard from the room,

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"

And Ron yelled, "Not the hair, mum!"

Harry peeked around the edge of the doorway in time to watch Mrs. Weasley body slam Ron. He then turned around to look at Hermione.

"What are you so smug about?" Hermione said as her amber orbs filled with tears when she saw Harry flashing a dazzling grin.

"I dunno about G's hair, but mine is pretty stylin'," he said, completely oblivious to the fact that Hermione was starting to flee the room, tears streaming down her face.

_"I don't know what she's so upset about, if anyone should be angsty it should be me! I'm the one with the dead parents, dead godfather, dead mentor…oh dear…oh…I can't even think about it anymore," _thought Harry.

Hermione stumbled blindly into the connecting room, running to face the corner as she let her salty tears flow.

"My sweet…my precious Weasley has gone awaaaaay!" she wailed but the sound of stumbling feet quickly drowned her out. She looked around as Ginny fell into the room.

"OH, HEYA ER' MIONE! WITH WHOM ARE YOU CONVERSING WITH?" Ginny said while squinting, trying to catch a glimpse of whoever Hermione was facing. Hermione only glared at her and snapped,

"Why don't you go and snog Tom Riddle, you stupid drunkard!" Hermione then fled from the room a second time. Meanwhile, Ginny thought for a good five minutes about what to say in reply but she quickly forgot about the idea when she saw a bright sparkling light coming from the hallway.

"IS THAT YOU GOD? IT'S ME, GINEVRA MOLLY WEASLEY."

"God? Who is this god that you speak of?" said a voice that sounded like bells. A girl stepped into the room, radiant, her emerald eyes sparkling, and her black hair swishing gracefully. It was slightly out of place, especially in the back, but it only enhanced her small button nose and her mouth that curved up charmingly, naturally. A crooked smile. She…she looked just like Harry. Ginny just stared at her in awe. Harry sauntered into the room,

"How's it hangin', home dawg?" he said, looking at Ginny while swiping his hair out of his eyes. Ginny wasn't looking at him; she was still spellbound by the girl. But the shininess was starting to blind her so she quickly looked to Harry. Harry, however, had turned his attention to the girl, smiling slightly. "And who is this Ginny?"

"I—I DON'T KNOW. I THINK SHE WAS SENT HERE BY GOD…," Ginny said.

"I'm Mary-Sue," said Mary-Sue, fluttering her eyes slightly at Harry. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Harry Potter. I've heard so much about you. About Voldemort and all."

"You—you said his name," said Harry, slightly in awe.

"Why of course. Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself, don't you think?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"And I even have a scar, just like you. Here, it's on my hip," and she pulled her shirt up only just a few centimeters so that most of the scar could be seen. "It only burns when someone who doesn't like me is near."

"And…you're an American?"

"Oh yes. I recently escaped from an orphanage where I went once my parents **_died_**. I came to England for Grandfather Dumbledore's funeral. I only found recently a long lost letter from my parents telling me about my true heritage. He didn't even know I existed which is the saddest part for me. I was only sent to an orphanage once my godfather **_died_**."

"_My _godfather died too!"

"Oh Harry, we have so much in common. I feel we will be such good friends," said Mary-Sue as Harry took her hand carefully and led her out of the room. Ginny glared after them and as she did, Mary-Sue started screaming in agony while clutching her side, just where her scar that she had shown Harry and Ginny was located. Harry jumped back in terror.

"What—what's going on Mary-Sue?" Harry said frantically. Mary-Sue turned around, doubling over again and again with tears in her eyes to look at Ginny.

"You—you don't like me?" she sobbed as Ginny stood there throwing daggers with her eyes.

"OF COURSE, YOU—YOU'RE SO BEASTLEY MARY-SUE!" and with that Ginny fell back out of the room just as she had entered it.

"Are you all right, Mary-Sue? Ginny doesn't usually act like that. Did I ever tell you what…beautiful eyes you have? They remind me of someone very familiar and very good looking, but I can't seem to place it…oh well."

"Yes, I'm fine Harry," she said sweetly. "And thank you. You're being so nice to me."

"I would never dream otherwise. Here, let me take you to meet everyone else!"

"Oh that would be positively wonderful, Harry! Let's go!"

"Oh - Mary-Sue did you say your name was? Oh, well how lovely. And you're a guest of Harry's? I've always said that Harry needed to find himself a girl," said Mrs. Weasley, beaming. Just then, Ginny stumbled blindly into the room.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, MUM?"

"Well what about you?"

"I WAS A HARRY GIRL THROUGH AND THROUGH!"

"I know dear, but that hardly counted. That relationship lasted, what? Two chapters? Three at the most? Honestly," said Mrs. Weasley, shaking her head. "Now run along dear. The wedding will start in a couple of hours."

"ALRIGHT!"

"No need to yell, Ginevra dear. We can usually hear you just fine."

"Molly, 'ave yoo seen my bouquet?" said Fleur, then sweeping into the room, as graceful as ever. "I must 'ave misplaced it and - 'oo is this?" she said, catching sight of Mary-Sue.

"Hello, I'm Mary-Sue and I am very pleased to meet you."

"Good 'eavens. She is le beautiful! And she can rhyme!"

"Well thank you so very much."

"'Ow do you get your 'air to be so silky smooth?"

"Whatever are you talking about Miss Delacour?"

"Oh, please call me Fleur. Oh, you are so beautiful…oh, Mary-Sue…would you conseeder being in my weddeng? You cood make up for Ginny pearfuctly."

"I am so honoured that you asked Miss - I mean, _Fleur_. Oh Harry, isn't this wonderful? I've always wanted to be in a wedding ever since my parents **_died_**!"

"You'll be the most beautiful one there, Mary-Sue."

No one noticed Ginny snarl out from a dark corner a few feet away and take a swig of absinthe from the mysterious bottle in her hand.

Authors' Notes:

_Bu-Branson: Hello all! How do you like the first chapter? After many years (around one or two, actually) of reading the worst of the worst of fan fiction, we have decided (yes, this is co-written…is that the right word?) to combine all those horrible elements of fan fiction and exaggerate them to their worst. Any constructive criticism, flames, or OH EM GEE, UR STRY IS SOOOO AMAZING!11!1s are much appreciated. Like Snape's obsessive love of Lily, they make us smile. _

**Eppi: Wow, we made it through a whole chapter, I'm impressed. Will Ginny go to AA? Will you be able to understand Fleur? Will Harry find true love in a non-cannon character with no personality? Will Ron stop being flamboyant? Will Mrs. Weasley body slam anyone else? ****These questions - and many others - will be answered in the next episode of Cornucopia of Love.**


	2. Of Tingling and Eyebrows

Dear Diary,

_Dear Diary, 8/4/96_

_Today was the best day _ever_. Mary-Sue taught me how to play the jaw harp. She's the best jaw harp player _ever_. I just can't express my feelings about her in words so I decided to write a poem:_

_Her teeth are bright and shiny,_

_Just like her lustrous orbs that are green like a fresh pickled toad._

_And I feel like I float in space._

_My outsides are on my insides_

_And vice versa._

_Though I have allergies to rabbits,_

_I think her hair feels like a rabbit's would feel._

_It's as dark as a blackboard._

_I wish she were mine (she is), she's really divine,_

_The girl whose godfather also died._

_I like her a lot. _

_I used some lines from some other poem I heard about or something. I don't really know. I don't think anyone will mind. Maybe it was in that photo book of my __**dead **__parents that Hagrid gave me describing my __**dead **__mum and dad. A picture of Sirius is in there, my __**dead **__godfather. At their wedding. Oh…that makes me think of Dumbledore…oh…oh dear…I can't write about this anymore…_

And it was perfect timing for Harry to stop because a sweet voice called out to him from below, "Harry! Oh Harry! Where are you?"

He cleared his throat and gave himself a look in the mirror before answering, "Mary-Sue! Oh Mary-Sue, I'm up here! And where are _you_?" He walked out of his room that the Weasley's had built especially for him to the stairs. He gaped just as a stunning vision turned around to look at him and say, "I'm here!"

"Oh Mary-Sue! How beautiful you look!" The dress that Fleur made for Mary-Sue hugged her every womanly curve and made her eyes shine brighter than before.

"Oh Harry, you really think so?" She looked hopefully up at him.

"We're the most good looking couple _ever_," Harry said, adorably stumbling over his words.

As if in slow motion with the heavenly sun shining down on them, Harry hurried down the stairs as Mary-Sue hurried up and when they met in the middle and Harry's lips captured hers, there was a burst of light and Harry tingled all over.

"I'm tingling all over," Harry said after he had to come up for air.

"Oh Harry, so am I. There were fireworks behind my eyes, I know it."

"Isn't that a sign of concussion?"

"And I could feel the spark as soon as I touched you," she said, as she seemed to not have heard him.

"The electricity is unimagined, to be sure," he put his hands in the surrender position as Mary-Sue did the same before they came together to touch hands. Harry leaned in to kiss her but she quickly turned her head away.

"There's the spark," she said giggling. "Oh Harry, don't kiss me yet, I don't want you to lose respect for me."

"Ok."

And with that, they joined hands, twining their fingers together until, if you were looking, you wouldn't be able to tell which hand was which and they looked like odd Siamese twins that had been joined at the hand.

But due to their extremely unobservant eyes, Harry and Mary-Sue did not see the familiar stranger lurking in the corner, the faint smell of stale alcohol on her breath, her hands shaking (though not from rage. She had the shakes. Alcohol had consumed her life and she would not let it do so any longer).

"Mary-Sue," she breathed loudly, "I know your evil plans and you will pay for them."

Ginny shrank back into the shadows and crept up the stairs sneaking into Harry's room.

"I know what he's doing. He pities her. He knows that we're meant to be together, but his heart is just so pure that he can't let some wretch go unhappy." Ginny spoke into the room even though no one was there to listen to her. Merlin, she could use a drink right about now.

It wasn't long before Ginny found a diary. "I have really shitty luck with these things maybe I shouldn't open it. Nah." Ginny said aloud, once again needlessly to the open air.

She cracked open the book to find thousands of pages. Every single word was devoted to Harry. She sat in the corner, deciding it would be the most dramatic place to be if someone happened to walk into the room, and read. She lost herself in the book until she heard a noise at the door. Her orbs darted around the room wildly until she saw Hermione enter the room.

"What. Are. You. _DOING. _In. Here?!" Emma Watson Hermione said eyebrows flailing. (AN: In case you slept through the movies Emma Watson has a rare disease that makes her eyebrows move sporadically and has her constantly out of breath. You can buy one of those ribbons to put on your car and a Livestrong band to help find a cure for this, but chances are very slim.)

"NOTHING!" Ginny screeched back.

"FINE!" yelled Hermione as tears began to well up in her orbs. Tears began to fall disproportionately down her damask cheeks causing her mascara to run. Using her popped collar to wipe away the tears, she saw her new fuchsia Abercrombie & Fitch polo get stained by the dripping mascara caused by her tears of sadness. She began to claw at her face, smearing her make up even more. Seeing the blackness engulfing the porcelain skin of her hands, she lifted her hands up to the heavens and cried, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"

Ginny's anger slowly began to evaporate from her face as she realized _just _what she had done, "Oh Merlin, Hermione. I didn't mean it, I solemnly swear!"

Hermione whipped around, looking wistfully out the window, eyes darkening with the ghosts of her present, "I know. I've just had a lot of things on my mind lately." She turned slightly so that Ginny could see her stricken face, her heavy lidded eyes, her mouth that carefully mouthed the one name above all names in her mind: _Ron_.

Ginny, her eyes filled with sympathy, approached Hermione quietly, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. Hermione turned her head so that she wouldn't have to face the pity that was staring her in the face. But Ginny was too fast for her and whipped around to her other side, cradling Hermione's face in her hands, forcing Hermione to look her in the eyes. "I understand."

Hermione nodded quietly and with a timid voice, said, "I'm so tired. I think I might go to bed."

Ginny smiled slightly, "Crying can do that to a girl."

Hermione nodded again and grinned, a grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. She slowly began to walk out of the room, stopping at the doorway to look back at Ginny. Ginny offered a small smile, sighing as Hermione then proceeded to direct herself to her bedroom.

**Does Mary-Sue really have evil plans? Has Ginny seen something that we did not? Or is withdrawal simply giving her hallucinations?** **Will Hermione get the rest she so desperately needs? Will Harry find Ginny being dramatic in his room? Will Mary Sue and Harry ever separate their hands or are they doomed to be stuck like that forever? These questions - and many others - will be answered in the next episode of Cornucopia of Love.**


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